The State of the Union (an honest presidential State of the Union speech)

The State of the Union (an honest presidential State of the Union speech) 

My fellow Americans, I stand before you today to give you an update on the State of Our Union. 

As most of you know by now General Motors once an icon of American manufacturing power has filed for bankruptcy. And most of you also now that Chrysler took the same path earlier. Despite all the billions of dollars that was given to GM and Chrysler they still failed to lift themselves out of this economic hole. I know the previous administration started this bailout but I thought it was a good plan so I continued it. I came before you and told you that these companies were too big to fail. If we failed to act now catastrophe was inevitable. But catastrophe came anyway. 

I am grateful for your support in passing the bailout bills, the economic stimulus bill, and the pork laden omnibus spending bill. The stimulus bill is not designed to have an immediate effect. If you closely read the bill, the biggest portion of the stimulus spending will not occur until 2010 thru 2012. I know this coincides with the mid-term congressional elections and the end of my first term and this is a gamble on my part. I am hoping all this will work and create jobs for the sake of the Democratic Party and my presidency. 

However well meaning my efforts on the bailout plans, GM and Chrysler still filed for bankruptcy. The result of this failure is numerous plant closings and thousands of jobs lost. But there is always a shining star behind those dark clouds. The UAW, which supported me tremendously this past election, will have 55% control of Chrysler. This is a good thing for the workers of America. The rich folks who got fat on the back of these workers are getting only 3 cents for every dollar they have invested. Now that is just fair in my book. 

Although the plant closings cost American jobs, GM has opened its 8 plants in China and more plants planned for Mexico and Brazil. These will create jobs for the poor people of those nations and create a level playing field to compete with the US. In my book, that is just fair. 

It is no secret that the government has immense leverage on companies that took bailout and TARP money. This leverage will be used by my administration to influence these companies to make fair and just business decisions and to end the rich-poverty gap in this country. I will use these leverage to ensure that the products of these companies are environmentally friendly and affordable at the same time. Regulations that will force other companies who did not take tax payers’ money will be instituted to ensure fairness in business operations and profit distribution. We cannot have one company make more money than the other. We cannot let one company have all the success while others fail. Fairness is what I am looking for. Just like the fairness in health care and our tax systems, those are in my agenda, too. Be patient because “You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet”. 

The health care system of our country is costing as dearly and not all Americans have health insurance. Congress and I are working on a legislation that will ensure health care for all Americans. Critics say that I am trying to copy failed health care systems in Europe but I am not. I am trying to get the European system and tweak it to suit the American health care system. If long lines and denial of medical services are common in Europe, that will not happen here. I will make sure that only the ones who have the highest potential of getting cured will be ahead of the line. And I will make sure that only necessary tests and diagnostic procedures are ordered by doctors. This way our skyrocketing health care cost will be reduced. 

Energy independence is my goal. We, as a member of the world, must start to change our ways and think about how much energy we consume compared to the rest of the world. The United States of America consumes 26% of the world’s energy and yet 2 billion people in the world do not have electricity. It is time for Americans to be fair and just. Conserve energy and find alternatives so the rest of the world can have the same quality of life as each American enjoys. 

My plan is to double the energy use derived from alternative fuels like sunlight and wind power. As of today, only 1% of energy consumption comes from those alternative sources. By my first term, that will be at least a 300% improvement. In other words, 3% of our energy consumption must come from alternative sources.

Making those gains can be painful but worth it. We will need to make large area of land for wind mills and solar panel locations. Food production might suffer and prices for food items may go up but the alternative of living in an unhealthy environment is not acceptable. America is the most obese nation in the world. So by making food more scarce and expensive, more Americans will be lean and healthy. And in the long run, will save this country fortunes in health care expenses. Do you now see the connection between health care and environmental reforms? 

Let us shift our focus to foreign affairs. 

I will be taking a journey to Egypt to address my brothers in faith. I will talk with them and apologize for all the arrogance of Americans and transgressions committed against the people of the Middle East by the Americans. I believe that these apologetic tones will win most hearts of the Muslim radicals and start a reconciliation process. My apologetic theme is the same with my previous European tour. However, there is a roadblock in this process. Israel’s stance and posturing in the region must be stopped. We cannot summon others to the negotiating table if we view them as threats. I can understand Israel’s reservation. Iran is pursuing nuclear power, which in my opinion, has every right for peaceful nuclear use. Iran is just reacting to Israel’s threats. I can assure the American people that we are standing firm in our mission to a lasting peace in the Middle East. I urge both sides, especially Israel, to tone down its stance on the Palestinian and Iranian issue. 

As a show of faith, I will close Guantanamo and house the most violent terrorists in our highest security prisons. I understand that they cannot be with the general population for safety reasons. So I am going to mandate special cells for them. I will make sure they get treated well and when it is time to ask them some critical information they will be willing to reciprocate the kind treatment we gave them. This is at the very opposite of the spectrum of the previous administrations policies of torture and humiliation. We must gain their trust. We must earn their friendship. 

For some of you who were disappointed that I reversed my decision to release the torture photos do not dwell on that. Those photos are so sickening and abhorrent that I did not want to subject you to further disgust. In addition to that most of those photos are rated R and some could be rated X and not suited for public viewing. 

As far as North Korea is concerned, there is really nothing I can do about it. China is North Korea’s closest ally and we owe the Chinese an enormous amount of money. It was Chinese money that mostly financed the bailouts and spending to save our economy. Just bear with me on this issue and we will consult with the Chinese government on what our next move will be concerning North Korea. In the mean time, I will continue supplying North Korea fuel, food, and critical aids to keep that country functioning. Again, in my book, this is just and fair. 

I know that many Americans are out of jobs. Many are facing losing their homes. But do not lose hope. Help is coming. Change is coming. I will make sure that the rich pay their share of the burden. I will use the power of my office to hunt down all their assets hidden in off shore accounts and make sure all Americans share the same wealth equally and fairly. I will make sure you have health care, food, cars, free school, and free housing. The old and failed system of American individuality and pursuit of personal success is over. The era of equality and fairness has begun. 

I promised change and change I will give you. 

I will not say the customary “God bless America” because it violate the separation of church and state. And at the same time, I do not want to make America look like a special country under God’s eyes and sure do not want to offend my non-religious supporters. 

So I will just say a simple “Goodnight Amerika!”

 (Assalamu – alaikum)

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